Surrender
by SunReyes
Summary: Samantha looks back and remembers one of the roughest cases and the most memorable nights of her life. JS


Title: Surrender  
  
Author: SunReyes  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Samantha looks back and remembers one of the roughest cases and the most memorable nights of her life. J/S  
  
Kiss me and I'll show you the world. Love me and I'll show you inside my heart.  
  
I can't begin to understand or fathom when I fell in love. It wasn't a feeling that arose over night. Or if it did, it was because we kept it bottled up so tight between us for so long.  
  
I've loved Jack for years now, but I'll never have him again—not the way I used to. He'll never shower me with kisses and lie beside me until the early hours of the morning, sharing our most intimate secrets.  
  
We still steal glances from one another, and there will be small, subtle touches that will go unnoticed by everyone else. It's like it was before our first night together. I never thought we'd be able to go back to that. I swore in my heart I'd never be able to think of him the same way again, but I had no choice. He went home and I had to move on—or so I thought I did.  
  
I still watch as he passes by me, taking in a whiff of my perfume or accidentally brushing against my hair. He needs these subtle touches to feel needed in his world. Who's to blame him? Truth is I need what he has to offer as much as he needs to give it.  
  
Maybe that's why we're so perfect for each other. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit just perfectly sounds quaint. It's true, though. Our hands, our legs, our bodies mesh with a perfect union---in utter bliss.  
  
I can't explain the way my heart beats when his eyes dance over my body or his smile eases my mind.  
  
I've loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him. Maybe that's not true. At first glance, he irritated me—thinking he knew everything and I was just a subordinate. That changed, though, and it did so easily. Maybe he was testing me all along. Seeing how well I could take pressure and scrutiny. Seeing how well I could deal with hating the job before truly loving it. Maybe he did it for the right reasons because some days I do hate what I do, but I also love it with so much passion. It's a strange balance I can't comprehend.  
  
Maybe he knew what I'd be feeling or maybe he only guessed.  
  
His eyes catch mine and hold my gaze as I take in a breath, reading his thoughts. I feel as though he's undressing me with his eyes, but not in a sick or perverted sense. It feels erotic, like he's remembering the way we danced beneath the sheets and the way his hands brushed back my hair as I lay beneath him, feeling my walls tumbling down.  
  
I miss what we had and what we shared for such a short time. It was too short. It never really ended, though. If it had, my mind wouldn't be thinking it over, wanting more from him and knowing if I asked, he'd give it to me.  
  
It's almost like playing hard to get, but maybe it's because we can't ever really 'get' each other. Our minds might forever be joined but our bodies are too far apart. It doesn't mean I love him any less.  
  
I blow out a soft sigh and feel his foot beneath the table brush mine. I'd guess it was unintentional, if the smirk weren't plastered to his face. My eyes widen, fearing someone else might see what's going on. Vivian, Danny, and Martin are all idly sitting at the table, reading over the report as his gaze tells me what he wants.  
  
I can't give it to him—not really. Even if I took him back to my place for a wonderful evening, tomorrow we'd be back at work pretending like nothing ever happened. It's the game we play and it hurts me more than he realizes. I love him, though, and I want what's best for him. But I also want what's best for me.  
  
I draw my tongue along my lips, not even realizing it, and see his eyes dark with desire. "Jack," my voice betrays nothing as Danny glances up to see what I have to say. "Is this really a missing persons case?"  
  
"It is until we find the missing woman," Jack answers in a husky voice and clears his throat, trying to gain back some control.  
  
That's what I loved most about 'us'. When we were together, he wanted the control, but I always had it. Maybe that's why we worked so well together, physically and emotionally. Our bond went beyond mere physical attraction. We shared something I've never felt with anyone before. Maybe that's when I fell in love.  
  
Our first time together, wasn't the first time he stayed the night. It was two weeks before and we had just finished a rough case, finding our missing person dead. It was to be expected, especially after the failed attempt at a ransom drop and then the mysterious phone call, ending with a shot ringing out over the phone. We knew we had failed miserably and I felt it was my fault.  
  
Jack tried to cheer me up, to remind me that I wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, but I felt like I had. It was my responsibility to deliver the money. Maybe I was too new and inexperienced, maybe I was just plain afraid or maybe I did exactly as I should have and it just didn't end happily. Either way, the young girl was dead and I wanted to go home.  
  
Jack wouldn't accept defeat and made sure we brought justice to the family. He was right I suppose—telling me it wasn't my fault—but I didn't believe him. Vivian ushered me to Jack's office while he was out in the field. She told me to stay there until he came back. I wanted to run off, but I also didn't want to seem so utterly pathetic. It wasn't the first child case that had ended in death. I witnessed several accounts at the NYPD, but it seemed so different there, so detached.  
  
That's what I was doing wrong—becoming emotionally invested in finding these people. Jack told me I had to let them go, but I couldn't. I pretended all was fine, but it slowly started catching up with me.  
  
He walked into the office, surprised to see me sitting there alone with the lights out.  
  
"Sam?" His voice held concern as he saw my red eyes, filled with tears once again. I couldn't pretend it didn't hurt. I couldn't lie to him. He pulled me against him, letting me seep a warmth and love from his strength and he whispered into my ear, "Let me drive you home."  
  
I nodded my head, knowing we were on dangerous ground. Every time his eyes met mine, I felt something unrecognizable. Maybe it was the thrill of what was to come, maybe it was because he was married and my boss or maybe it was the first time I ever felt the beginning of love.  
  
He walked me to the door and stood there, not seeking entrance inside. I was tired and drained and his eyes told me he didn't feel much better either.  
  
"You going to be all right?"  
  
"I don't know," I answered honestly, feeling my eyes drop to the floor as I felt myself becoming vulnerable once again. I didn't want him to see me this way; he has enough problems to deal with.  
  
I felt his warm arms wrap around my body as he entered my apartment, shutting the door behind us. He walked with me over towards the sofa, took a seat and sat snuggly beside me.  
  
I closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling, but every moment I saw darkness I also saw her poor helpless body.  
  
His hand squeezed my shoulder and that was enough to cause me to tremble with pain. I didn't want to show him how weak I was feeling, but I couldn't hide it any longer. My voice cracked and the tears coursed down my face. He brought me to his chest, letting my head rest against his heart as he gently drew his hands along my back, soothing me.  
  
"Sam, you know we did everything we could."  
  
"I know," I wanted to stop the tears from falling but it was no use. I felt so incredibly weak, crying on my boss's chest in my own home. I was never like this at the NYPD. I would have never been allowed to live it down. Jack was different, though. He held my respect and something else—admiration? I may never know.  
  
I dragged my legs onto the sofa, leaning into his body and his soaked- through shirt.  
  
"I'm sorry," I laughed softly, looking at the huge wet spot and drawing my fingers over his chest.  
  
"It'll dry," he mused, moving his fingers into my hair, and I closed my eyes. I wanted to kiss him, but knew now wasn't the right time.  
  
His hand drifted down my arm, his finger gently grazing my exposed skin. It felt forbidden and so wonderful at the same time. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, letting him touch me with such warmth and compassion.  
  
"I love you," the words slipped out of my mouth before I realized I had even said it. "I mean--" I tried to take back what I said and, looking back, I wish I hadn't. It was the only time I ever told him how I really felt. Our relationship never needed us to say how much we cared for one another, it was understood. When I wanted it, though, it was too late.  
  
He held me close that night, walked with me into my bedroom and I whispered for him to stay. He nodded his head, watching as the tears resurfaced and the pain slowly ate away at me.  
  
"Shhh," he soothed, drawing his warm hands over my back and slowly and deliberately began kissing my face. I didn't know what was happening, but it felt so good and so right.  
  
My hands slipped under his wet shirt, pulling it over his torso and letting it fall to the floor. I climbed beneath the blankets and felt his warm body join me.  
  
Our mouths finally met and he rolled me onto my back, taking the lead as he helped me forget my troubles. I closed my eyes, drawing my nails along his back and felt him shudder under my touch.  
  
My eyes opened, wanting to see the expression on his face and he pulled away, rolling onto his back. He wanted this to happen but didn't want to take advantage of the situation. I moved onto my side, my leg draped over his possessively. My palm rested on his chest and after a moment of utter silence between us, I began drawing lazy circles on his skin.  
  
"Sam."  
  
"Shhh," I breathed, not wanting to spoil what we had between us. Even if it didn't go anywhere else, I didn't want to give this up.  
  
He kissed me again and this time I pulled back, curious as to what was transpiring. "Jack?" My eyes looked deep into his and I knew what I wanted, but I also knew it could wait.  
  
My fingers lightly grazed along his chest, drawing endless shapes as I felt his stomach flutter and a soft chuckle slip from his lips. "Ticklish?" I teased, pressing a soft kiss to his chest.  
  
He let out a soft, warm breath into my ear, sending a chill down my spine that I very much tried to hide. He saw it, though, and snaked his hand along my back and under my shirt, feeling my bare skin. I suppose it was only fair; after all, I was touching him.  
  
"What am I writing?" I teased with a warm smile, spelling out each letter slowly, 'K—I—S—S'. He eyed me curiously.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Let's try it again." I pressed on with a laugh, drawing the same letters over his chest. He shrugged in response with a wide grin on his face, enjoying the feeling but clueless as to what I was writing. Maybe my handwriting was messy or maybe he was too far-gone from the simple touch of electricity to make out a few simple letters.  
  
I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling but not ready for sleep just yet. "You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" I hear Jack's concerned tone and I nodded my head. "Samantha, you have to let her go."  
  
"I know." I breathed out, "I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't feel anything because—"  
  
"Don't," he shook his head, "don't ever wish for that, Sam."  
  
"Why?" I turned back onto my side to face him. He leaned into my body, drawing his hand over my hip, our mouths inches apart.  
  
"Your life will have no meaning then."  
  
"That's not true." I paused watching as he shut his eyes and let out a deep sigh. "Jack?" He didn't respond right away and I felt something looming heavy among us. "This isn't about work, is it?"  
  
His eyes opened and met mine. "How can you tell?"  
  
"Home?" I whispered, drawing my hand up into his hair, and he closed his eyes again, a small smile tugging slightly at the corners of his lips.  
  
"Something like that," he mumbled, nestling into my body for warmth.  
  
"Jack." My voice didn't appear to waver, but my stomach and heart did. There was a stillness in the room for a minute before his eyes opened. "I'm not ready to go to sleep just yet."  
  
"Nightmares?"  
  
I glanced toward the window and nodded. "Too often," I whispered, glancing back in his direction. "Stay up with me a little while longer?"  
  
"As long as you want." He pressed a soft kiss to my neck and I felt my body melt under his touch. "Sam." His tongue drew a soft path up my neck and over my ear.  
  
"This isn't what I had in mind."  
  
He stopped immediately and pulled back. "I can go--"  
  
"That isn't what I meant." I let out a frustrated sigh and pulled his hands in mine close against me, needing his body heat to keep me warm. "Jack," I paused, trying to find the right words, if anyone could explain what I was feeling.  
  
"Hmmm?" He eyed me with such devotion. I felt my heart flutter and I let out a soft breath, closing my eyes.  
  
"Do you ever feeling like giving up?"  
  
"Yeah," he sighed, shifting onto his back and I drew my leg once again over his.  
  
"What keeps you from doing that?"  
  
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Sometimes the realization that every life we save is more than just one life. Imagine if Angela would have survived, how many people would have been grateful. Imagine how many lives we'd essentially be saving."  
  
"And that makes up for this empty feeling when we fail."  
  
"We never fail, Sam."  
  
I laughed at his words. "What do you call today?"  
  
"A testament of faith," he teased into my ear. His eyes watched mine. "If we surrender, then they win."  
  
"But we didn't win."  
  
"We arrested our suspect and we brought closure to the family."  
  
"And that's enough?"  
  
"It's all we can do," he answered.  
  
I nodded my head, knowing he was right but still feeling like there's more I could have done.  
  
"If you surrender to the pain, it'll haunt you forever, Sam."  
  
"So then what should I do?"  
  
"Sometimes you should surrender to your heart," he answered with a grin, as he kissed me again.  
  
*****  
  
"Samantha?"  
  
"What?" My eyes meet Jack's, realizing I've completely zoned out.  
  
"Have you heard a word I've been saying?"  
  
"Sorry," I grimace, realizing everyone else has left the conference table and they've likely set off to do whatever Jack has assigned them.  
  
"Is everything okay?" he questions, concern evident in his voice.  
  
I nod my head. "I guess I just have a lot on my mind," I laugh softly. "What do you want me to do?" I eye the file curiously.  
  
"You want to come with me to question the family or help Martin run credit card and phone records?"  
  
"I'll come with you," I smirk, standing up and following Jack down the hall.  
  
I feel his hand at my lower back and I instantly feel the pull of electricity and the heat rising between us. If I surrender now, what will happen tomorrow?  
  
The End. 


End file.
